Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness
Handbook for Parents

Introduction

Contents

• How can I find a lawyer?
  What are my rights and responsibilities as a client?
• Can we agree on a parenting plan?
  Should we consider joint custody?
  What are the alternatives to litigation?
• What are some of the pros and cons of litigation concerning children?
• What can I expect if I go to court concerning my children?
• How long will it take me to get over my divorce?

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How can I find a lawyer?
What are my rights and responsibilities as a client?

People often select a lawyer on the basis of referrals from friends or relatives. The legal assistance and information section of the Family Court page may also be of assistance. Be sure to ask prospective lawyers about their background and experience in divorce and family law. You may want to interview more than one lawyer and consider the following questions:

• Were you comfortable during the first meeting?
• Were your questions answered?
• Were the fees within your price range?

A lawyer is one of your primary resources when you are considering or going through the process of divorce. You should be clear about your relationship with your lawyer and what you can expect from it. You are entitled to know how your lawyer is planning to proceed in your case and what he or she thinks the likely outcome will be. You are also entitled to know how you will be charged and billed. Your lawyer's role is not to be your friend or psychotherapist but he or she can help you with referrals to qualified mental health professionals.

You also have responsibilities as a client. They include being truthful, providing relevant information and reviewing and raising objections to bills in a timely fashion.

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Can we agree on a parenting plan?
Should we consider joint custody?
What are the alternatives to litigation?

You can agree on a parenting plan without going to court. The best parenting plans are those that parents work out together. Parenting arrangements made by agreement can provide for detail and flexibility which court orders cannot generally provide. A parenting plan should promote a close, separate and ongoing relationship with each parent where that is appropriate. It should establish a concrete schedule for the school year, summers and holidays and assure the children's financial support. A parenting plan may not be appropriate for families where domestic violence, abuse or neglect is present.

Joint legal custody means that both parents are legally authorized to participate in making major decisions about the children. Joint physical custody means that the children spend frequent and significant amounts of time with each parent, not necessarily 50-50. Joint custody works best for parents who can establish a cooperative working relationship after separation and divorce or at least can separate their differences for the benefit of their children. It is not appropriate for parents who are enmeshed in ongoing marital battles and are unable to find a reasonable way of working together.

Some parents may find that alternative dispute resolution processes are appropriate for their needs. Mediation involves negotiations between separating parents with the assistance of a trained neutral. Arbitration is another alternative to litigation which may involve a hearing but with a private arbitrator rather than in the courts. Both of these methods of dispute resolution have their advantages and disadvantages when compared to courtroom litigation, which should be carefully discussed with your lawyer before entering into them.

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What are some of the pros and cons of litigation concerning children?

Sometimes litigation is appropriate and necessary. When parents cannot agree on parenting issues after all reasonable efforts have been made, a court decision may be required. The court can award custody to one parent and set schedules for visitation and make awards for child support. Court orders are enforceable if they are not followed. Court intervention may be necessary where violence or abuse is a factor. It may be necessary if a parent wants information from the other parent which is not produced voluntarily. However, litigation can take a long time and become very expensive, and the children can be caught in the middle. Litigation often fuels the anger and high emotions already present in these situations.

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What can I expect if I go to court concerning my children?

You can expect the Court to make a decision concerning custody based on the "best interests of the child." This is not an absolute standard. The judge must consider several factors as set forth in prior cases and generally makes a written decision explaining his or her reasoning. You can also expect the Court to make a decision on the amount of child support to be awarded the custodial parent.

You can also expect to hear about technical terms referring to the rules of evidence, jurisdiction and trial procedures. Your lawyer can help you understand these legal rules. You and the children may also meet with a lawyer who will represent the children.

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How long will it take me to get over my divorce?

Research has indicated that it takes about two years to fully get over a divorce. During this time, you experience many different types of emotions. You feel sadness and depression, nervousness and anxiety, anger and rage, joy and happiness, guilt and shame. People say that they experience more than one emotion and that their emotions seem to be unpredictable. They could be happy and content in the morning and angry and in a rage in the afternoon. Their emotions seem to switch for no apparent reason. Mostly they say they feel shaky. This occurs because they feel vulnerable -- they cannot predict how they will feel from one moment to the next.

Usually a person goes through four psychological stages when they get a divorce:

1. Separation shock:
   When persons are overwhelmed by strong emotions, the brain has a protective mechanism that shuts feelings down. People in this stage usually say they feel nothing or they feel numb.
   
   
2. Anger:
   The numbness disappears and the feelings return. People say they feel like they're on a roller coaster: one minute they feel relieved and excited about the divorce; the next moment they feel sad and remorseful, questioning their decision to divorce.
   
   
3. Identity work:
   Stage three signals ambivalence and confusion. In this stage the person reviews the marriage and questions what went wrong. They'll hear a special song and reminisce about the good times; a moment later they become angry at a memory of something their spouse said to them. In this stage, people begin to make the psychological transition from being married to being single.
   
   
4. Acceptance:
   In this stage the person has accepted the divorce, has established a working relationship with the ex-spouse, has begun dating, and is relatively content with his/her lifestyle. It is important to note that not all people go through the stages in this order and in the same time period. Some people go through the stages in six months while others take two years. Some persons go through the stages before they even separate. Some persons flip-flop through the stages as they psychologically work through the process.