Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness
Handbook for Parents

How can I help myself through the divorce?

Contents

1. Develop a support structure
2. Keep yourself and your children active
3. Take care of yourself and your children
4. Plan all holidays
5. Don't be ashamed about being divorced
6. Cooperate with your ex-spouse
7. Understand that you're only one person and that's OK
8. What about the relatives?

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1. Develop a support structure:

Surround yourself with your friends and close relatives. Have plenty of people whom you can call or visit when you want to talk or are feeling lonely, when you want to go to a movie, or when you need a baby sitter. There are many support groups available for divorcing persons. Support groups for people with similar problems can help you realize you're not alone. Contact Information London, the public library, your place of worship, community centre, or "Y" to learn when they meet.

Keep in mind also that this is the time when you will be making major legal and financial decisions. Try to have trusted friends, relatives, and an attorney whom you can consult about these matters. Short term therapy can be beneficial during this time. It can help you sort out your feelings from the past and/or it can help you put your current feelings in perspective. Many counselling centres offer short-term therapy on a sliding scale basis and many have groups for families in transition.

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2. Keep yourself and your children active:

Keep up your regular activities and start new ones. People say that when they divorce, they begin to learn about themselves as individuals again. While they were married, they focused on their spouses or themselves as part of a couple. Now that they're divorced, they say that they have the opportunity to discover new interests and hobbies. They begin to learn about themselves in a new way.

For yourself, sit in a quiet place doing something you enjoy; read a novel or go for a quiet walk on the beach. Arrange activities for yourself and your children. Go to a park or a movie, feed the ducks, play baseball. Go for ice cream or to an art exhibit. Check the public library to see what activities they're offering. Call Information London or check the "Our Times" section of The London Free Press to find out about community events.

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3. Take care of yourself and your children:

Take care of yourself physically as well as psychologically. Eat properly and get plenty of sleep. Psychologically, even the best divorces can be stressful and, on one scale, divorce was listed as the third most stressful life event. The effect of stress on the immune system is well documented: it lowers the immune system's defences and makes persons more susceptible to diseases. So, now more than ever it is important to stay healthy, calm, and relaxed. Remember, research has shown that one of the best predictors of children's post divorce adjustment is how the parent feels. If the parent has adjusted in a healthy way to the divorce. the children will also.

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4. Plan all holidays:

Holidays can stimulate or intensify emotional reactions. Therefore, plan to be with other people during the holidays. Plan to go out with your friends on your birthday. Spend religious holidays with your family. Make sure you are very occupied on your anniversary.

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5. Don't be ashamed about being divorced:

Research has shown that the less stigma people attach to divorce, the easier it is for them and their children to adjust. The manner in which persons approach divorce affects the way they and their children perceive the divorce. If you feel ashamed about the divorce, your children will react in the same way. If you judge divorce as a solution to a bad situation and thus a healthy response, you and your children will do better.

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6. Cooperate with your ex-spouse:

Remember that even though your marriage didn't work and you are dissolving the marital unit, you will be parents forever. Both of you will become grandparents together at exactly the same moment. Research has shown over and over again that parents who are able to reduce their arguments and friction and who are able to cooperate with each other about parenting issues create better adjustment in their children.

In cases of domestic violence and abuse, cooperation may not be possible nor appropriate. Discuss this situation with your lawyer.

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7. Understand that you're only one person and that's OK:

Understand that you can't be two parents and don't need to be. But you can be one great parent. Spend quality time with your children. Focus on them even if you have little time. Instead of sitting in silence, make driving them places (e.g, soccer practice or dancing lessons or to the day care centre) a time when you check on how they're doing in school, whether they're having any problems, what they did that day, who their friends are, etc. Give them your full attention. Make bedtime a time when you spend five minutes every night talking about things that are important to them. Validate their feelings, give them a hug, and above all, tell them that you love them.

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8. What about the relatives?

Telling relatives about your divorce can be a painful experience, especially if they did not know there were problems. If possible, spouses should tell them together and reassure them that you both intend to maintain a regular relationship with them. Depending on how close you are with them, you may or may not want to give them all the details.

If you are upset about the divorce and feel close to them, tell them. They can be especially helpful and supportive to you during this transition time. Many divorcing people choose to maintain a relationship with their in-laws for themselves and for their children. It is important to maintain a comfortable balance. A good rule of thumb is "close but not too close."