Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness
Handbook for Parents

The children (Part 1)

Contents

• When should we tell the children?
• How should we tell the children?
• What should we tell the children?
• What will the effects be on my children?
• What are children's worst fears?
• How can I minimize the effects on my children?
• When should I seek therapy for my child?
• What if I can't afford therapy?

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When should we tell the children?

1. Only after a definite decision has been made:

Children should be told of a separation or divorce only after a definite decision has been made. It is important to make it clear to the child that there is no chance for reconciliation and that the decision to divorce is final.

2. The age of the child is a factor:

If a child is old enough to recognize the parent, she or he should be told. Children understand language much earlier than many parents think. The divorce can be explained in a way that is appropriate for their age level. Children should be told two to four weeks before the parent moves out.

Younger children should be told closer to the actual time. Very young children do not understand the passage of time, so that if too much time has passed, they may think that the separation is not going to happen.

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How should we tell the children?

Sensibility and sensitivity:

How to tell the children is a personal decision and depends upon the circumstances of the divorce, the age and maturity of the child and your relationship with your spouse. If appropriate, you may tell your children together.

Remember, even though you are ending your marriage, you are still parents to your children. The children may feel more secure if you tell them together. This way both of you can help the children adjust. You can show the children that you can cooperate to help them through this transition.

This method may not be appropriate for families who have been the victims of domestic violence or abuse. If you or your children are the victims of domestic violence or abuse you may need to handle the situation differently. Under these circumstances, you may wish to consult with an attorney or mental health worker to determine what is appropriate for you and your children.

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What should we tell the children?

1. Planning:

Parents should decide in advance what they are going to tell their children as to the basic reasons for the divorce. If appropriate, parents may plan together what they will tell the children. You may want to plan to attend a program designed for parents and children facing separation or divorce.

2. Honesty is the best policy:

Parents should be as honest as possible. Telling children the truth will serve to build trust between parents and children. Parents should always refrain from blaming each other and should tell the children general rather than specific reasons for the divorce. For example, parents could explain to their children that they are divorcing because they cannot settle their arguments. Or, they could say that even though they once loved each other, they no longer do. Details are not necessary. Nor is blame necessary. It will only hurt the children. Parents should tell their children that they tried their best to solve the marital problems but they couldn't, and they feel separation is in the best interests of everyone.

3. It's OK to be emotional:

When telling the children, it's okay to be emotional. Don't feel that you should hide your emotions from the children. Expressing your emotions gives the children permission to freely express their emotions. In this way parents can provide an environment for their children in which they can openly discuss their feelings and concerns about the divorce and can feel free to ask any questions that they might have.

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What will the effects be on my children?

1. Your actions directly impact your children's reactions:

How you and your ex-spouse react to the separation or divorce will determine how your children react. Research has shown that if parents handle their divorce in an informed and responsible way, the effects on children are short-lived and minimized. If parents are not child-minded, if they use children as weapons, children may suffer long term serious effects.

It is not the divorce or separation itself that causes negative reactions in children. Rather, it is the exposure to conflict over a long period of time and the effect that the conflict has on the relationship between parents and between parents and children that causes problems for children.

Children's reactions to divorce vary according to how parents handle the situation. Children may display feelings such as anger and sadness or they may seem relieved.

2. Children's main concerns are themselves:

Mainly children are concerned about their own issues. For example, they will ask questions that relate to their own lives, such as, "Where will I live? How often will I see Daddy/Mommy? Where will my room be? Will I still go to the same school? Will we have to move?" Answer their questions as honestly and realistically as possible. And always reassure them that you love them.

Many children fear that following the separation or divorce they will no longer have the necessities, such as food, clothing, etc. Parents should reassure the children that they will always be taken care of and that they do not need to worry about such things.

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What are children's worst fears?

Children blame themselves:

Sometimes children may think they did something wrong and that's why their parents are getting divorced. In all cases parents should reassure their children that the divorce is in no way their fault. Tell them that nothing they did made you decide to divorce. Sometimes children fear that if their parents once loved each other and now don't, they could stop loving them also. In all cases children should be reassured that their parents will love them forever.

Parents should reassure their children that they aren't divorcing them. Reassure them that both parents will love them forever, and even though you all won't be living together, both of you care for and will take care of them. Sometimes children may think that parents could just abandon them or ask them to leave. Parents should reassure their children that the departing parent is not abandoning them and is not forced to leave. Parents should always reassure their children that the non-custodial parent still loves them.

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How can I minimize the effects on my children?

We know from research that certain factors influence how well children react to the divorce and separation of their parents. Some of the findings which are associated with positive outcomes for children are listed below:

1. Stable loving relationship with both parents:

Always reassure the children that you love them. Frequently tell your children that you value them and that their other parent does also. Remind the children that you are not divorcing them or abandoning them and that you will always be there to take care of them.

Spend a little more time with them during the transition. Your very presence is reassuring. Let your children know that you care about their feelings and that you wonder and care about how the separation or divorce has affected them. Encourage the children to express their feelings. If you are engaged in a custody dispute, your children will need extra love, reassurance, and attention. Tell them that no matter what the outcome is, you will love them and take care of them forever.

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2. Acknowledge and validate your children's feelings:

During this time, children may feel sad, scared, and lonely. Help them verbalize such feelings and then acknowledge them. "I know you're feeling scared." Validation of their feelings enables children to feel entitled to their feelings. "It makes sense to me that you would be feeling scared. There are a lot of changes taking place." Then reassure them that you will always be there to take care of them.

At this time children may express angry feelings. Try not to take them personally. This might be difficult to do but try to understand that the child is only trying to make sense out of the separation or divorce. They need your reassurance now more than ever. When your child is upset or angry, use mirroring, which is simply stating back what your child has just said. For example, "I hate you Mommy. You made Daddy leave." The mirror: "Right now you feel like you hate me because you think I made Daddy leave." Mirroring helps the child to feel heard and will help you not to take the child's anger personally.

At this time children may also become disobedient or stubborn. This might be their way of telling you that they are afraid or angry. Help them to express their feelings in non-verbal ways such as drawing or clay modeling or playing with puppets. This type of play not only helps them express their feelings but also gives them an opportunity to spend quality time with you. It will also help if you tell them stories about parents who have divorced and who continued to love their children.

Your local library has many books that address children's concerns during separation and divorce.

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3. Avoid blaming the other parent:

In some circumstances it may be difficult to develop a good relationship with an ex-spouse. In some cases, for those who have been victims of domestic violence or abuse, it may be impossible or inappropriate to develop a good relationship.

However, if appropriate, a working relationship with your ex-spouse may benefit your children. Your children will see that you can put your anger aside for their benefit. It will help them to do the same. Never blame or criticize the other parent in front of the children. Blaming the other will only confuse the children and may make them feel guilty. Children love both parents and will continue to do so. Give them your permission to do this. Never criticize the other parent in front of the children.

Encourage your children to have a relationship with the other parent. lt is crucial to their psychological development and provides the child with good feelings about both of you.

Children fare best when they have an ongoing positive relationship with both parents after divorce. Try to convey to your children that you are not in competition with your ex-spouse. Don't ask them whom they want to live with. They will feel torn in half. Let them know that it's okay for them to love both of you. They do not have to choose.

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4. Encourage visitation:

Children adjust better if they maintain consistent, predictable, positive relationships with both parents and have regular, dependable, visiting patterns. Encourage visitation. The usual rule is, the more the better.The more visitation, the fewer feelings of loss, abandonment, and helplessness the child will experience. If the parental visitation requires a structure, e.g., every other weekend, etc., it is helpful to take into consideration the ages and schedules of the children. In general, though, if the parents can cooperate, this structure should be as flexible as possible.

In some cases where the non-custodial parent suffers from a medically diagnosed mental illness and is incapable, or unwilling to attend to the needs of the children, actively abusive either verbally, physically, or sexually, or actively abusing alcohol or drugs, the general rule of "the more visitation the better" does not apply. Consult with your attorney about how to handle such situations.

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5. Minimize changes In the child's environment:

If possible, parents should not impose too many changes on the child at once. For example, the child may be adjusting to having only one parent at home every night. Moving into a new home or going to a new school may be too much for him or her at the same time. Try to minimize the number of changes that occur in their lives. They may be afraid of moving to a new school or house, etc. Help them feel free to ask questions. Tell them what's going on on a daily basis. They want to know what's going on in their lives.

Encourage the child to become involved in school activities. Encourage the child to take part in sports and after school activities, etc. Try to prevent isolation.

6. Avoid loyalty conflicts:

Children should be helped to avoid taking sides. Some children may feel guilty for having a better time with the non-custodial parent on visiting day than with the custodial parent at home. Help them appreciate that they might be having more fun on visiting day because there are fewer restrictions placed on them. non-custodial parents can reduce such guilt by providing their children with more realistic visitation experiences.

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7. Shared family functioning:

Families of all types that provide a sense of sharing and emotional support for one another in a loving manner have better adjusted children. Studies have shown that one easy way of providing the child with a sense of "family" is to continue family rituals. It is important to maintain family rituals around birthdays, holidays, etc. Maintaining these family and holiday rituals helps to provide a sense of security for the children. It helps the children to plan, predict, and look forward to family events.

8. Be an effective parent:

Effective parenting is defined as parents who have a good rapport with their children, provide for open communication within the family, have warm parent-child relationships in which discipline is stressed, and who provide stable, predictable environments with clearly specified rules.

Don't be afraid to discipline your children. Children need structure. Assign them duties and responsibilities. Children who have assigned chores appropriate to their ages and abilities adjust better and feel more a part of the family.

Sometimes parents feel that they don't want to yell at their children or have them to do chores because the child feels bad enough about the divorce. Sometimes, parents may feel that all they do is yell at the child. Children need to know that they have a parent they can depend on. They also need to know the limits of their behaviour. As is typical of many children, sometimes they test these limits. In maintaining these limits you are helping them feel secure. Be firm but loving.

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When should I seek therapy for my child?

Sometimes children have strong emotional reactions to their parents' separation or divorce. When this happens, it could be useful for the child to go for therapy. There are different types of therapy and therapists, and parents will have to choose what type is best for their children. Sometimes children need to talk to someone individually. Sometimes it is helpful, especially with young children, for the entire family to be present at the therapy sessions. A psychologist or guidance counsellor at your child's school or your family physician may be able to help you sort out what kind of therapy your child needs.

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What if I can't afford therapy?

There are affordable therapy programs designed for individuals, children and families in most communities. Many of these programs are available at a reduced cost and depend on your income. There may also be support groups in your community at no cost at all. Consult the lists of resources of the Family Court and children's services--co-ordinating organizations on LondonNet.

Some early warning signs that might
indicate that your child needs therapy:

• Your child seems sad, forlorn, depressed and is unable to snap out of it
• Your child's teacher suggests counselling because the child is acting differently in school.
• Your child displays overly aggressive behaviour.

Remember, though, that you know your child best and that the final decision as to whether your child and/or family should enter therapy is yours alone.