Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness
Handbook for Parents

The children (Part 2)

Contents

• Suggestions for custodial parents to ease aspects of this difficult transition on their children
• Suggestions for non-custodial parents to ease aspects of this difficult transition on their children
• Suggestions for both parents to help aid them in minimizing the negative results of this difficult transition
• A note on child abuse

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The following are suggestions that have proven successful for custodial parents in easing aspects of this difficult transition on their children:

• Give the children the non-custodial parent's address and telephone number and encourage frequent communication between the children and the non-custodial parent
• Keep the non-custodial parent advised and remind the children to invite the other parent to events relating to the children, i.e. school activities, sports activities, important performances, medical issues, etc.
• Encourage the children to bring toys or books to the non-custodial parent's home. Comfort the child if he or she misses the non-custodial parent. Encourage the children to keep their own calendar to keep track of when they'll be visiting the non-custodial parent.

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The following are suggestions that have proven successful for non-custodial parents in easing aspects of this difficult transition on their children:

• Plan the visit with the children ahead of time, if possible. Plan some time on each visit to spend quiet time with the children. Try to have private time with each child when they visit together and periodically have each child visit alone. Just "hang out" sometimes and have quiet time. Let the children bring a friend along occasionally.
• Balance caretaking and recreational activities. Most non-custodial parents do mainly recreational activities with their children, like going to parks, or playgrounds. Take time to also be a part of the caretaking of the child. Do school work with the child. Discuss religious beliefs. Take the child to church or synagogue. Take the child for a haircut or to a dentist appointment. Discuss household rules and expectations that may be different from the other parent's home.
• Make your home your children's home by keeping familiar pictures and other items around and by displaying their art work. Make a place for your child's belongings. Give your children their own room or part of a room.
• Keep photographs of the children around the house. Encourage the children to bring schoolwork and keep a supply of arts and crafts so that you can play together indoors. Introduce them to your neighborhood by taking walks and looking for other children their ages.
• Telephone the children often and try to attend events that your child participates in.
• Write as often as you can. Make letters creative and exciting by including pictures cut out from magazines and photos or writing in coded messages. Send a cute card when you don't have much to say. Develop common interests. For example, attend classes together, play sports, do your nails together, go shopping, etc. Be consistent with your visits to your children.
• Pay your child support on time. Adequate finances are an extremely important factor in a child's adjustment to divorce. If you are a non-custodial parent responsible for child support, paying the correct amount on time will alleviate problems for your child. The custodial parent (the parent the child lives with) will be able to budget easier, will not feel humiliated by having to call and ask for the money, and is less likely to say mean things about you to the child. In addition, the tension level in the home will not escalate, and the child's environment will be more predictable.

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The following are suggestions for both parents to help them in minimizing the negative results of this difficult transition:

• Do not use finances or visitation schedules negatively. Sometimes people withhold child support or visitation to "get back at" their ex-spouses. Keep in mind that this will only hurt your child, and ultimately yourself. Neither child support nor visitation should be withheld to hurt the other spouse.
• Don't force the child to become involved in adult issues by having him/her convey messages regarding such things as pick up times and child support.
• Don't discourage your child's communication with the other parent.
• Don't try to compensate for the entertainment you believe the other parent provides by becoming more strict and less entertaining, or the opposite, overgenerous with gifts, etc.
• Don't interrogate the child about the other parent's activities.
• Don't use the child to "spy" on your ex-spouse.
• Don't say bad things about the other parent or allow others to do so in the children's presence or use the children as weapons against the other parent.
• Don't fight with the other parent in the presence of the children.
• Don't let the other parent's negative attitude or behaviour get in the way of letting your children know how much you care for them.
• Don't frequently cancel or postpone visits. Be there when you say you're going to be there or when you're supposed to be there. When non-custodial parents miss visitation, it hurts the children.
• Do answer your children's questions and concerns honestly and avoid including unnecessary details about your ex-spouse.
• Do reassure your children that they are not to blame for the divorce.
• Do reassure your children that they will be taken care of and are loved by both of their parents.

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A note on child abuse

If you suspect your child has been verbally, physically, or sexually abused, do the following:

• Approach your child calmly and ask, "Are you okay? Is anything bothering you?"
• Consult your pediatrician.
• Call The Children's Aid Society
• Help your child verbalize feelings.
• If your child's behaviour seems different in any way, bring your child to a therapist who specializes in such issues.
• Consult with your lawyer as to what action to take.
• NEVER, NEVER make an allegation of abuse that you know is false in order to hurt the other parent.

There are community resources available to help you and your children. Information about several agencies which may help is listed in:

• LondonNet's children's services -- co-ordinating organizations; and
• The resources of the Family Court.

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Remember...

• Your children will be hurt if you criticize their other parent.
• Your children will be hurt if you deny their visitation or do not pay child support.
• Your children will be hurt if you and their other parent have loud arguments in their presence.
• Your children will be hurt if you use them as weapons against their other parent.

It is your responsibility to help your children adjust to your divorce. Always consider what is in your children's best interest. They deserve only the best.