Separate Ways

A unique video about separation and divorce

©1998 Queen's Printer for Ontario. This document may be reproduced for non-commercial purposes.

Separate Ways is a unique video that offers insights from those who have gone through separation and divorce and from professionals who have assisted them through the process.

It is a source of information to help you understand the emotions you'll experience, the impact on your children, the legal process, and the option of mediation in settling your differences with your partner or spouse.

This is a time of emotional upheaval, difficult decisions and tough negotiations. Hearing the experiences of those who have travelled down this road will help you see this process through to its conclusion, as you go your separate ways.

"Your emotions do interfere with your decision-making ability...
It takes a while to see...there were two people making mistakes. It takes some distance, and I think that's where counselling can help."

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Dealing with emotions

Anger, sadness, denial, guilt... You're feeling emotions now that you've probably never felt before. But emotions can interfere with your ability to make the right decisions. Consider talking to friends and family or seeking the advice of professional counsellors. You need an outlet to release your stress and vent your feelings. By speaking to others you can better cope with your emotions, put them in perspective and approach decisions calmly and rationally.

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Impact on children

It's most important that during separation your children know they are loved by both parents. They are vulnerable and can suffer as much, if not more, than you. Children often blame themselves for what is happening and can be seriously harmed because of warring parents. Try to create an environment that is as stable and strife-free as possible. Remember, you may be separated from your partner or spouse, but you will be parents for life.

"If you care about the kids, then you have to take the time and effort to make sure they have as consistent an upbringing as they would have had if you hadn't divorced..."

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Mediation

Mediation is another method to help you resolve your differences. It helps foster communication between you and your partner or spouse. It focuses attention on your children and in doing what is best for them. Mediation gives you a great deal of control over the separation and divorce process. Mediation may not be appropriate or effective in situations where there has been domestic violence, abuse or other power imbalances.

"Mediation is a very creative process. It means that you're taking charge of your life, and you're designing a plan for your future that would be good for you and good for the children."

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Role of the lawyer

A lawyer will advise you of your rights, help define the issues in your case, explain what you can expect to achieve and outline the costs involved. Family law lawyers work towards a negotiated settlement whenever possible. A negotiated settlement is always the preferred route for both parites and their children. You should feel comfortable with your lawyer, so take your time and choose carefully.

"The lawyer's job is to try and assist you through to the finish line, sooner than later...and there are many things a client can do in order to ensure that time with a lawyer is efficient time.

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Role of the courts

If you can't settle your differences, then the courts may be your final option. However, once you start a court action, you submit the control of your case to the courts. The court process guarantees a settlement but negotiation is still the best way to resolve disputes. The vast majority of cases are settled through negotiation. Only 5% are actually decided by a judge after a trial.

"Offers to settle should continue during the course of proceedings... They are an expression of a willingness to try to avoid the trial."

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New beginnings

"As difficult as it may seem, when you're going through the process, you can be assured that there will be good things that will come as a result in the end and you can face a whole new world out there that you probablydidn't know existed before."

The video, Separate Ways, is available through the Family Law Information Centre in London, Ontario, Canada.