This handbook has been adapted from the Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness Handbook for Parents, a joint program of Hofstra University School of Law and Hofstra University School of Education Graduate Programs in Marriage and Family Counseling. Used by permission.
This handbook is designed to give divorcing or separating parents helpful information. It is written in a question and answer style that tries to address in a summary fashion the questions that many parents ask. The suggestions in this handbook have proven useful to other spouses in situations that are similar to yours.
Remember, everything that you do has an effect on your children today, tomorrow and in the future. We hope that your children's best interests will be your top priority as you go through the reorganization of your family.
This handbook is meant to inform, not advise. It is not a substitute for the advice a lawyer or mental health professional can provide you with because:
This handbook is not appropriate for families who have been the victims of domestic violence or abuse. If you or your children are the victims of domestic violence or abuse you should seek help immediately. Tell your lawyer and discuss how to proceed. In the London, Canada area you may contact:
LondonNet's children's information resources and women's organizations pages list additional resources to help you and your children deal with domestic violence or abuse. Also see the note on child abuse at the end of this handbook.
People often select a lawyer on the basis of referrals from friends or relatives. The legal assistance and information section of the Family Court page may also be of assistance. Be sure to ask prospective lawyers about their background and experience in divorce and family law. You may want to interview more than one lawyer and consider the following questions:
A lawyer is one of your primary resources when you are considering or going through the process of divorce. You should be clear about your relationship with your lawyer and what you can expect from it. You are entitled to know how your lawyer is planning to proceed in your case and what he or she thinks the likely outcome will be. You are also entitled to know how you will be charged and billed. Your lawyer's role is not to be your friend or psychotherapist but he or she can help you with referrals to qualified mental health professionals.
You also have responsibilities as a client. They include being truthful, providing relevant information and reviewing and raising objections to bills in a timely fashion.
You can agree on a parenting plan without going to court. The best parenting plans are those that parents work out together. Parenting arrangements made by agreement can provide for detail and flexibility which court orders cannot generally provide. A parenting plan should promote a close, separate and ongoing relationship with each parent where that is appropriate. It should establish a concrete schedule for the school year, summers and holidays and assure the children's financial support. A parenting plan may not be appropriate for families where domestic violence, abuse or neglect is present.
Joint legal custody means that both parents are legally authorized to participate in making major decisions about the children. Joint physical custody means that the children spend frequent and significant amounts of time with each parent, not necessarily 50-50. Joint custody works best for parents who can establish a cooperative working relationship after separation and divorce or at least can separate their differences for the benefit of their children. It is not appropriate for parents who are enmeshed in ongoing marital battles and are unable to find a reasonable way of working together.
Some parents may find that alternative dispute resolution processes are appropriate for their needs. Mediation involves negotiations between separating parents with the assistance of a trained neutral. Arbitration is another alternative to litigation which may involve a hearing but with a private arbitrator rather than in the courts. Both of these methods of dispute resolution have their advantages and disadvantages when compared to courtroom litigation, which should be carefully discussed with your lawyer before entering into them.
Sometimes litigation is appropriate and necessary. When parents cannot agree on parenting issues after all reasonable efforts have been made, a court decision may be required. The court can award custody to one parent and set schedules for visitation and make awards for child support. Court orders are enforceable if they are not followed. Court intervention may be necessary where violence or abuse is a factor. It may be necessary if a parent wants information from the other parent which is not produced voluntarily. However, litigation can take a long time and become very expensive, and the children can be caught in the middle. Litigation often fuels the anger and high emotions already present in these situations.
You can expect the Court to make a decision concerning custody based on the "best interests of the child." This is not an absolute standard. The judge must consider several factors as set forth in prior cases and generally makes a written decision explaining his or her reasoning. You can also expect the Court to make a decision on the amount of child support to be awarded the custodial parent.
You can also expect to hear about technical terms referring to the rules of evidence, jurisdiction and trial procedures. Your lawyer can help you understand these legal rules. You and the children may also meet with a lawyer who will represent the children.
Research has indicated that it takes about two years to fully get over a divorce. During this time, you experience many different types of emotions. You feel sadness and depression, nervousness and anxiety, anger and rage, joy and happiness, guilt and shame. People say that they experience more than one emotion and that their emotions seem to be unpredictable. They could be happy and content in the morning and angry and in a rage in the afternoon. Their emotions seem to switch for no apparent reason. Mostly they say they feel shaky. This occurs because they feel vulnerable -- they cannot predict how they will feel from one moment to the next.
Usually a person goes through four psychological stages when they get a divorce:
1. Develop a support structure:
Surround yourself with your friends and close relatives. Have plenty of people whom you can call or visit when you want to talk or are feeling lonely, when you want to go to a movie, or when you need a baby sitter. There are many support groups available for divorcing persons. Support groups for people with similar problems can help you realize you're not alone. Contact Information London, the public library, your place of worship, community centre, or "Y" to learn when they meet.
Keep in mind also that this is the time when you will be making major legal and financial decisions. Try to have trusted friends, relatives, and an attorney whom you can consult about these matters. Short term therapy can be beneficial during this time. It can help you sort out your feelings from the past and/or it can help you put your current feelings in perspective. Many counselling centres offer short-term therapy on a sliding scale basis and many have groups for families in transition.
2. Keep yourself and your children active:
Keep up your regular activities and start new ones. People say that when they divorce, they begin to learn about themselves as individuals again. While they were married, they focused on their spouses or themselves as part of a couple. Now that they're divorced, they say that they have the opportunity to discover new interests and hobbies. They begin to learn about themselves in a new way.
For yourself, sit in a quiet place doing something you enjoy; read a novel or go for a quiet walk on the beach. Arrange activities for yourself and your children. Go to a park or a movie, feed the ducks, play baseball. Go for ice cream or to an art exhibit. Check the public library to see what activities they're offering. Call Information London or check the "Our Times" section of The London Free Press to find out about community events.
3. Take care of yourself and your children:
Take care of yourself physically as well as psychologically. Eat properly and get plenty of sleep. Psychologically, even the best divorces can be stressful and, on one scale, divorce was listed as the third most stressful life event. The effect of stress on the immune system is well documented: it lowers the immune system's defences and makes persons more susceptible to diseases. So, now more than ever it is important to stay healthy, calm, and relaxed. Remember, research has shown that one of the best predictors of children's post divorce adjustment is how the parent feels. If the parent has adjusted in a healthy way to the divorce. the children will also.
4. Plan all holidays:
Holidays can stimulate or intensify emotional reactions. Therefore, plan to be with other people during the holidays. Plan to go out with your friends on your birthday. Spend religious holidays with your family. Make sure you are very occupied on your anniversary.
5. Don't be ashamed about being divorced:
Research has shown that the less stigma people attach to divorce, the easier it is for them and their children to adjust. The manner in which persons approach divorce affects the way they and their children perceive the divorce. If you feel ashamed about the divorce, your children will react in the same way. If you judge divorce as a solution to a bad situation and thus a healthy response, you and your children will do better.
6. Cooperate with your ex-spouse:
Remember that even though your marriage didn't work and you are dissolving the marital unit, you will be parents forever. Both of you will become grandparents together at exactly the same moment. Research has shown over and over again that parents who are able to reduce their arguments and friction and who are able to cooperate with each other about parenting issues create better adjustment in their children.
In cases of domestic violence and abuse, cooperation may not be possible nor appropriate. Discuss this situation with your lawyer.
7. Understand that you're only one person and that's OK:
Understand that you can't be two parents and don't need to be. But you can be one great parent. Spend quality time with your children. Focus on them even if you have little time. Instead of sitting in silence, make driving them places (e.g, soccer practice or dancing lessons or to the day care centre) a time when you check on how they're doing in school, whether they're having any problems, what they did that day, who their friends are, etc. Give them your full attention. Make bedtime a time when you spend five minutes every night talking about things that are important to them. Validate their feelings, give them a hug, and above all, tell them that you love them.
8. What about the relatives?
Telling relatives about your divorce can be a painful experience, especially if they did not know there were problems. If possible, spouses should tell them together and reassure them that you both intend to maintain a regular relationship with them. Depending on how close you are with them, you may or may not want to give them all the details.
If you are upset about the divorce and feel close to them, tell them. They can be especially helpful and supportive to you during this transition time. Many divorcing people choose to maintain a relationship with their in-laws for themselves and for their children. It is important to maintain a comfortable balance. A good rule of thumb is "close but not too close."
1. Only after a definite decision has been made:
Children should be told of a separation or divorce only after a definite decision has been made. It is important to make it clear to the child that there is no chance for reconciliation and that the decision to divorce is final.
2. The age of the child is a factor:
If a child is old enough to recognize the parent, she or he should be told. Children understand language much earlier than many parents think. The divorce can be explained in a way that is appropriate for their age level. Children should be told two to four weeks before the parent moves out.
Younger children should be told closer to the actual time. Very young children do not understand the passage of time, so that if too much time has passed, they may think that the separation is not going to happen.
Sensibility and sensitivity:
How to tell the children is a personal decision and depends upon the circumstances of the divorce, the age and maturity of the child and your relationship with your spouse. If appropriate, you may tell your children together.
Remember, even though you are ending your marriage, you are still parents to your children. The children may feel more secure if you tell them together. This way both of you can help the children adjust. You can show the children that you can cooperate to help them through this transition.
This method may not be appropriate for families who have been the victims of domestic violence or abuse. If you or your children are the victims of domestic violence or abuse you may need to handle the situation differently. Under these circumstances, you may wish to consult with an attorney or mental health worker to determine what is appropriate for you and your children.
1. Planning:
Parents should decide in advance what they are going to tell their children as to the basic reasons for the divorce. If appropriate, parents may plan together what they will tell the children. You may want to plan to attend a program designed for parents and children facing separation or divorce.
2. Honesty is the best policy:
Parents should be as honest as possible. Telling children the truth will serve to build trust between parents and children. Parents should always refrain from blaming each other and should tell the children general rather than specific reasons for the divorce. For example, parents could explain to their children that they are divorcing because they cannot settle their arguments. Or, they could say that even though they once loved each other, they no longer do. Details are not necessary. Nor is blame necessary. It will only hurt the children. Parents should tell their children that they tried their best to solve the marital problems but they couldn't, and they feel separation is in the best interests of everyone.
3. It's OK to be emotional:
When telling the children, it's okay to be emotional. Don't feel that you should hide your emotions from the children. Expressing your emotions gives the children permission to freely express their emotions. In this way parents can provide an environment for their children in which they can openly discuss their feelings and concerns about the divorce and can feel free to ask any questions that they might have.
1. Your actions directly impact your children's reactions:
How you and your ex-spouse react to the separation or divorce will determine how your children react. Research has shown that if parents handle their divorce in an informed and responsible way, the effects on children are short-lived and minimized. If parents are not child-minded, if they use children as weapons, children may suffer long term serious effects.
It is not the divorce or separation itself that causes negative reactions in children. Rather, it is the exposure to conflict over a long period of time and the effect that the conflict has on the relationship between parents and between parents and children that causes problems for children.
Children's reactions to divorce vary according to how parents handle the situation. Children may display feelings such as anger and sadness or they may seem relieved.
2. Children's main concerns are themselves:
Mainly children are concerned about their own issues. For example, they will ask questions that relate to their own lives, such as, "Where will I live? How often will I see Daddy/Mommy? Where will my room be? Will I still go to the same school? Will we have to move?" Answer their questions as honestly and realistically as possible. And always reassure them that you love them.
Many children fear that following the separation or divorce they will no longer have the necessities, such as food, clothing, etc. Parents should reassure the children that they will always be taken care of and that they do not need to worry about such things.
Children blame themselves:
Sometimes children may think they did something wrong and that's why their parents are getting divorced. In all cases parents should reassure their children that the divorce is in no way their fault. Tell them that nothing they did made you decide to divorce. Sometimes children fear that if their parents once loved each other and now don't, they could stop loving them also. In all cases children should be reassured that their parents will love them forever.
Parents should reassure their children that they aren't divorcing them. Reassure them that both parents will love them forever, and even though you all won't be living together, both of you care for and will take care of them. Sometimes children may think that parents could just abandon them or ask them to leave. Parents should reassure their children that the departing parent is not abandoning them and is not forced to leave. Parents should always reassure their children that the non-custodial parent still loves them.
We know from research that certain factors influence how well children react to the divorce and separation of their parents. Some of the findings which are associated with positive outcomes for children are listed below:
1. Stable loving relationship with both parents:
Always reassure the children that you love them. Frequently tell your children that you value them and that their other parent does also. Remind the children that you are not divorcing them or abandoning them and that you will always be there to take care of them.
Spend a little more time with them during the transition. Your very presence is reassuring. Let your children know that you care about their feelings and that you wonder and care about how the separation or divorce has affected them. Encourage the children to express their feelings. If you are engaged in a custody dispute, your children will need extra love, reassurance, and attention. Tell them that no matter what the outcome is, you will love them and take care of them forever.
2. Acknowledge and validate your children's feelings:
During this time, children may feel sad, scared, and lonely. Help them verbalize such feelings and then acknowledge them. "I know you're feeling scared." Validation of their feelings enables children to feel entitled to their feelings. "It makes sense to me that you would be feeling scared. There are a lot of changes taking place." Then reassure them that you will always be there to take care of them.
At this time children may express angry feelings. Try not to take them personally. This might be difficult to do but try to understand that the child is only trying to make sense out of the separation or divorce. They need your reassurance now more than ever. When your child is upset or angry, use mirroring, which is simply stating back what your child has just said. For example, "I hate you Mommy. You made Daddy leave." The mirror: "Right now you feel like you hate me because you think I made Daddy leave." Mirroring helps the child to feel heard and will help you not to take the child's anger personally.
At this time children may also become disobedient or stubborn. This might be their way of telling you that they are afraid or angry. Help them to express their feelings in non-verbal ways such as drawing or clay modeling or playing with puppets. This type of play not only helps them express their feelings but also gives them an opportunity to spend quality time with you. It will also help if you tell them stories about parents who have divorced and who continued to love their children.
Your local library has many books that address children's concerns during separation and divorce.
3. Avoid blaming the other parent:
In some circumstances it may be difficult to develop a good relationship with an ex-spouse. In some cases, for those who have been victims of domestic violence or abuse, it may be impossible or inappropriate to develop a good relationship.
However, if appropriate, a working relationship with your ex-spouse may benefit your children. Your children will see that you can put your anger aside for their benefit. It will help them to do the same. Never blame or criticize the other parent in front of the children. Blaming the other will only confuse the children and may make them feel guilty. Children love both parents and will continue to do so. Give them your permission to do this. Never criticize the other parent in front of the children.
Encourage your children to have a relationship with the other parent. lt is crucial to their psychological development and provides the child with good feelings about both of you.
Children fare best when they have an ongoing positive relationship with both parents after divorce. Try to convey to your children that you are not in competition with your ex-spouse. Don't ask them whom they want to live with. They will feel torn in half. Let them know that it's okay for them to love both of you. They do not have to choose.
4. Encourage visitation:
Children adjust better if they maintain consistent, predictable, positive relationships with both parents and have regular, dependable, visiting patterns. Encourage visitation. The usual rule is, the more the better.The more visitation, the fewer feelings of loss, abandonment, and helplessness the child will experience. If the parental visitation requires a structure, e.g., every other weekend, etc., it is helpful to take into consideration the ages and schedules of the children. In general, though, if the parents can cooperate, this structure should be as flexible as possible.
In some cases where the non-custodial parent suffers from a medically diagnosed mental illness and is incapable, or unwilling to attend to the needs of the children, actively abusive either verbally, physically, or sexually, or actively abusing alcohol or drugs, the general rule of "the more visitation the better" does not apply. Consult with your attorney about how to handle such situations.
5. Minimize changes In the child's environment:
If possible, parents should not impose too many changes on the child at once. For example, the child may be adjusting to having only one parent at home every night. Moving into a new home or going to a new school may be too much for him or her at the same time. Try to minimize the number of changes that occur in their lives. They may be afraid of moving to a new school or house, etc. Help them feel free to ask questions. Tell them what's going on on a daily basis. They want to know what's going on in their lives.
Encourage the child to become involved in school activities. Encourage the child to take part in sports and after school activities, etc. Try to prevent isolation.
6. Avoid loyalty conflicts:
Children should be helped to avoid taking sides. Some children may feel guilty for having a better time with the non-custodial parent on visiting day than with the custodial parent at home. Help them appreciate that they might be having more fun on visiting day because there are fewer restrictions placed on them. non-custodial parents can reduce such guilt by providing their children with more realistic visitation experiences.
7. Shared family functioning:
Families of all types that provide a sense of sharing and emotional support for one another in a loving manner have better adjusted children. Studies have shown that one easy way of providing the child with a sense of "family" is to continue family rituals. It is important to maintain family rituals around birthdays, holidays, etc. Maintaining these family and holiday rituals helps to provide a sense of security for the children. It helps the children to plan, predict, and look forward to family events.
8. Be an effective parent:
Effective parenting is defined as parents who have a good rapport with their children, provide for open communication within the family, have warm parent-child relationships in which discipline is stressed, and who provide stable, predictable environments with clearly specified rules.
Don't be afraid to discipline your children. Children need structure. Assign them duties and responsibilities. Children who have assigned chores appropriate to their ages and abilities adjust better and feel more a part of the family.
Sometimes parents feel that they don't want to yell at their children or have them to do chores because the child feels bad enough about the divorce. Sometimes, parents may feel that all they do is yell at the child. Children need to know that they have a parent they can depend on. They also need to know the limits of their behaviour. As is typical of many children, sometimes they test these limits. In maintaining these limits you are helping them feel secure. Be firm but loving.
Sometimes children have strong emotional reactions to their parents' separation or divorce. When this happens, it could be useful for the child to go for therapy. There are different types of therapy and therapists, and parents will have to choose what type is best for their children. Sometimes children need to talk to someone individually. Sometimes it is helpful, especially with young children, for the entire family to be present at the therapy sessions. A psychologist or guidance counsellor at your child's school or your family physician may be able to help you sort out what kind of therapy your child needs.
There are affordable therapy programs designed for individuals, children and families in most communities. Many of these programs are available at a reduced cost and depend on your income. There may also be support groups in your community at no cost at all. Consult the lists of resources of the Family Court and children's services--co-ordinating organizations on LondonNet.
Some early warning signs that might indicate that your child needs therapy:
Remember, though, that you know your child best and that the final decision as to whether your child and/or family should enter therapy is yours alone.
If you suspect your child has been verbally, physically, or sexually abused, do the following:
There are community resources available to help you and your children. Information about several agencies which may help is listed in:
Remember...
It is your responsibility to help your children adjust to your divorce. Always consider what is in your children's best interest. They deserve only the best.
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